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Paging Leonidas To The Front Desk
Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”
Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”
Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”
(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)
Me: “Is there a problem?”
Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”
Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”
Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”
Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”
Customer: “What? NO!”
Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”
Customer: “Then do it!”
(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)
Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”
Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”
Me: *puts the customer down*
Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”
(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)
Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*
number two.
Me: “Thank you for calling ***, how may I help you?” Older caller: “Ma’am, do y’all sell olive oil?” Me: “Yes, ma’am.” Older caller: “But do you have it in a can?” Me: “I’ve never seen one, but I know we have it in bottles of varying–” Older caller: “Could you check for me?” (I go down the aisle and sure enough, we carry massive 3-liter tin containers.) Me: “Ma’am, sorry about the wait. But to answer your question, we do have it in large three-liter cans as well as bottles of varying size. If you want I can pull one off the shelf and hold it at the Service De–” Older caller: “So you DO have olive oil in a can?” Me: “Yes, ma’am. Aisle four.” Older caller: “WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER THAT POPEYE’S LOOKIN’ FOR HER!” *hangs up* number three. (A woman comes in walking with her daughter trailing behind her and cuts in front on several people.) Customer: “Excuse me, but someone here yesterday told my 15 year old daughter she was pregnant and I would like to complain.” Me: ”Ma’am, I can straighten this out. If you wouldn’t mind waiting in line, these people were–” Customer: “This won’t take long. I just need you to apologize for lying!” Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t diagnose your daughter so if–” Customer: ”She can’t be pregnant, she’s 15 AND a virgin. She’s waiting until marriage so unless this is the immaculate conception, I’m going to need an apology.” Me: ”Ma’am, like I said, I did not personally–” Customer: ”How hard is it to get an apology here!?! YOU CANNOT JUST GO AROUND TELLING YOUNG GIRLS THEY ARE PREGNANT! THIS IS WHY THE TEEN PREGNANCY RATES ARE SO HIGH, YOU KNOW! Me: ”Ma’am, it doesn’t quite work like that. Now, if you could just–” Customer: ”All I want is an apology. My daughter has been traumatized!” Me: ”Fine, I’ll call the doctor and I’ll see if he can speak to you for a moment.” Customer: ”Tell him to get his butt down here right away, too. My daughter had to leave her boyfriend in the hot tub!” number four. (While I’m working, I see this teenage girl pull up in an really nice car. With her orange spray tan and expensive clothing, I could tell it would be interesting.) Me: “Hey, what could I get for you today?” Customer: “You’re going to make me a non-fat shake with non-fat mix, non-fat milk and non-fat chocolate. Me: “Oh, Ok…I’ll have that done for you in just a second.” (Right before I start to blend the shake, she speaks up:) Customer: “So since you work here, do you eat a lot of ice cream?” Me: “Well, I suppose I eat enough to be able to recommend stuff to customers….” Customer: “Well, you just look like you eat a lot of ice cream. You might want to quit your job before you get too fat.” Me: “Thanks for that advice.” (While my coworker rings her up, I proceed to add 5 pumps of chocolate syrup, extra chocolate chips, and tons of extra ingredients to her shake, putting it up to a total of about 4,000 calories.) Customer: *taking a drink* “At least you can make a decent shake.” number five. (A customer walks up to the counter where we have LGBT books up for Pride month.) Customer: “What the h***! Why are you guys showing off all these hommasesual books?” Me: “Homma what?” Customer: “Hommasesual books… you know, dudes with other dudes and stuff. You should be ashamed.” Me: “I still don’t understand. I have no idea what a hommasesual is or ‘dudes with other dudes.’ I’m not sure what that means.” Customer: ”Oh, you all are a bunch of f**s here!” Coworker: “What, you’re looking for bags?” Customer: *gets fed up and leaves* number six. (I was in a record store and I overheard this conversation.) Customer: “Hi, I’m looking for a gift for my dad. He likes jazz - who do you recommend?” Clerk: “Well, Louis Armstrong is pretty popular.” Customer: “Louis Armstrong? Isn’t he the astronaut? He’s like the first guy to walk on the moon.” Clerk: “No, no, you’re thinking Neil.” Customer: “Fine, whatever, the first guy to kneel on the moon.” number seven. Customer: *on the phone* “I know you aren’t tech support, but I have an easy Me: “Ok…” Customer: “How do you make the @ symbol…you know, for the email?” Me: “You hold the shift key and press 2.” Customer: “Won’t that just make a capital 2?” Me: “…” number eight. (An elderly woman well into her 70s comes through the check-out line with a single bottle of wine. I start to scan the bottle through.) Customer: “Wait! Aren’t you going to check my ID?” Me: “Er, no, ma’am, I don’t think it’s really necessary…” Customer: “Well, that’s no good! You should check all ID if you’re selling alcohol.” Me: “Well, okay. May I see your ID, please?” (She hands over an ID card that is obviously fake.) Me: “…ma’am, this card says you’re seventeen.” Customer: “Oh, dear! You’ve caught me! I’m much too young to be buying this! It’s a good thing you were checking IDs. I’d better just go now! *skips out the door* Me: “…” Customer: “I want to see that brooch.” Me: “Here it is–” Customer: “How much is it?” Me: “Well, it’s–” Customer: “You don’t need to know where I get my money from!” Me: “Oh, okay. Well, it costs–” Customer: “I’m on a disability pension.” Me: “It costs thirty–” Customer: “And it’s none of your business why!” Me: “Thirty five dol–” Customer: “I had an accident and broke my leg.” Me: “…” Customer: “Do you want to know why I’m buying this?” Me: “Umm… no, it’s okay.” Customer: “BECAUSE GREEN IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!” number nine. (Often I enter the beer cooler with shorts, a t-shirt and some rubber-hand work gloves on.) Me: *walks out of the cooler* Customer: “Are you f***ing insane? It’s freezing in there. Me: “I don’t mind it.” Customer: “That’s bulls***! You know it’s cold. Why would you lie to me?” Me: “Excuse me? I’m pretty sure I know my own tolerance and I’m working so I get a bit warm, even in there.” Customer: “WARM!? In a COOLER!? You’re a G**D*** LIAR! How can you be WARM in THERE!” Me: “I’m Canadian, and ever since my igloo melted I only feel at home in there.” Customer: “Oh, I didn’t know. I’m sorry for your loss.” number ten. (I’m a desk assistant at a college dorm. One day, these two giggly freshman girls come up to me.) Girl #1: “Ummm… can we, like, borrow your phonebook?” Me: “Sure thing.” Girl #1: *flips through the book, looking completely dumbfounded* Me: “Need help finding something?” Girl #2: *whispers* “Jason’s is under ‘J’.” Girl #1: *whispers back* “I know, but sometimes I forget the alphabet…” Girl #2: “OmiGAWD me too!” *giggle giggle* (I grab the phonebook and look up their listing.) Me: “Here–Jason’s.” Girl #1: “Oh my GAWD thank you! They should really have a college course for, like, phone books! I’m not from this town, so, ya know…” ... damn. that was good. ahahahahahahah :DPrankin’ Like It’s 1929
That Hot Tub Had Better Be Filled With Spermicide
He Who Eats Less, Laughs Best
Fighting Ignorance With Ignorance
That’s One Small Kneeprint For Man
This Quote Brought To You By The Number TWO
question.”You’re Only As Old As You Act
Big Lies Are Better Than Small Ones
Like, OMG, You’re Stupid